Joke of the Day
brought to you daily by Mr. Handen
What did the cowboy say to the pencil? DRAW!
What is a snowman’s favorite cereal? Frosted Flakes!
What is a snake’s favorite subject? Ssssssscience!
What did the acorn say when he grew up? Gee, I’m a tree! (Geometry)
What did the man say to the one-legged hike-hiker. Hop in!
Why did the cross-eyed teacher get fired? She couldn’t control her pupils!.
Why was the Basketball Player arrested? He shot the basket.
What did the Blonde bring to the Super Bowl? A big spoon!
What do you call a scared dinosaur? A Nervous Rex!
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere!
Why did the orange stop rolling? It ran out of juice!
Which computer is the best singer? A-Dell
So this guy’s trying to talk to a girl and he says “Haven’t I seen you someplace before?” She said “Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore!”
How do organize a party in space? You Planet!
During an exam, a police recruit was asked what he would do if his job required him to arrest his own mother. His response was, "Call for backup!”
A male frog goes to a psychic. The psychic tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog gets excited, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"
"No," says the psychic, "in her biology class."
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An Investigator!
So this cop pulls me over. He said “Papers” I said “Scissors” I won. So I drove away!
What did the Lawyer name his daughter? Sue!
You know what you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew chew train!
When I went to Starbucks for coffee they lied. It wasn't Starbucks, it was four bucks!
Do you know why birds fly south for the winter? Cause it’s too far to walk!
Why does Lady Gaga like Sushi so much? Cause it Rah, Rah, ah,ah,ah-ah!
If you try running a long side a car, you will get tired. But if you run behind a car, you’ll get exhausted.
Why was the mushroom the life of the party? Cause he was a fun guy! (fungi)
What did the frog order at McDonald's? French Flies and Diet Croak.
So this blonde was complaining about her cell phone.
She said “my phone’s not working. I keep pushing the home button…but I’m still at work!
How do Angels answer the phone? “Halo?” (Hello)
What do you call a fake noodle? An Im-pasta! (Imposter)
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
I told my friend, “I broke my leg in two places!” My friend said, “Then you should quit going to those places”
Did you hear about the two pretzels walking down the street? Yeah, I guess one was assaulted! (a salted!)
What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel! (No “L”)
Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping!
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
What is the favorite Christmas Carol of parents everywhere? Silent Night!
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!
What was the snowman doing at the party? Chillin’
Teacher: Susie, if your mother has 20 dollars and you borrow
10, how much will remain with your mom?
Susie: 20 dollars.
Teacher: Sorry, you do not know your math.
Susie: No, you don’t know my mom..
What did the Blonde say when she saw the YMCA sing? Oh My God! They misspelled Macy's
So the teacher asked the student, “can you tell me what the four seasons are?” “ Salt, pepper, sugar, and spice!”
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor! You gotta help me. I scared of Santa Claus!” The Doctor says, “I think you have Claus-trophobia”
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor! I think there’s two of me!” The Doctors says, “One at a time!”
How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
A man shows up for his doctor's appointment with a piece of celery in each ear and a carrot in each of his nostrils. He says to the doctor, "Doc, I'm not feeling well." Whereupon the doctor replied," Maybe you're not eating right."
What did the Turkey play in the Marching Band? Drums! Because he always brought his own Drumsticks.
Why did the Turkey cross the road? It was the Chicken’s
day off!
What happened when the Turkey got in a fight? He got the stuffing knock out of him.
The teacher asked little Susie; "If I have 5 mangoes in one hand and five mangoes in the other, what do I have?”
"Really Big Hands" said Susie.
When I die, I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
How lazy was the kid? He was so lazy he wouldn't empty the recycle bin on his computer.
I went to the doctor, he said “You gotta lose weight, you’re fat!” I said,”I want a second opinion!”. He said, “Okay, you’re ugly!”
What did the carpet say to the floor? I gotcha covered.
Why do Demons and Ghouls hang out together? Demons are a ghouls best friend.
So these three vampires go into a bar and order 2 mugs of blood and one mug of plasma.
The waitress says to the bartender, “give me 2 bloods and a blood light!”
Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends? Cause they are so wrapped up in themselves.
What is a witch’s favorite subject? Spelling
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the Halloween Party? He didn’t have the guts!
Why didn’t the ghost go? He had no-body to go with!
Why did Mr. Huxley have to leave the Doctors office? Because they gave him the boot!
What did the digital watch say to his mom? "Look ma, no hands."
Why didn’t the ghost go to the Halloween Party? He had no body to go with.
Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies!
Why can't you play cards in the jungle? Because there's too many cheetas!
What did one casket say to the other casket? Is that you coffin?
Why did the booger cross the road? Because he was being picked on.
Where does a General keep his Armies? In his Sleevies.
When is a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
Did you know that five out of every three people have trouble with fractions?
Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?
Nine months later she had mittens!
What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas? Thanks, I’ll never part with it!
I got a text from a blonde it said “Do you know what idk stands for?” I texted back…I Don’t Know…She texted me back “ OMG nobody does!”
So, a man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, for the last two weeks, I have been slowly shrinking!”. The Doctor replied, “You’re gonna have to be a little patient”
Why was the woman embarrassed when she opened the refrigerator? She saw the salad dressing!
Why is it so windy at Dodger Stadium? Cause of all the fans.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”
These two pretzels were walking down the street. I guess one was assaulted.
What did the beach say when the tide came in? Long time, no sea.
What did the fish say when he ran into the wall? Dam.
What’s a lumberjack’s favorite month? Sep-Timber!
What do you call a cow with no legs. Ground Beef.
What do you call a women with one leg? Aileen
Where does she work? I-HOP
Why did Captain Hook cross the street? To get to the Second Hand Store
Why did the Math Book go to the Physiciatrist? It had a lot of problems.
They’re giving away dead batteries…..they’re Free of Charge!
What did the Doctor say to the Invisible Man? Sorry, but I can’t see you today.
What do you know about every group of 25 year olds. There are 20 of them.
I wondered why the Frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger….and then it hit me!
How did the Pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!
Where do pirates go to retire? Aarrrrrrrr-kansas.
Old man goes to the doctor, doc says, “I have bad news, your tests came back. You have Cancer and Alzheimers. The man says back “That’s not so bad, at least I don’t have Cancer”.